Ode to Party Girl

In one of my project teams I have a party girl.
She is loud, she is short, she is a terrible driver.
She shrieks when her favorite songs come on the
radio. She doesn't know the words.
She is positive her opinion is right when it is based on
stupid. stupid. stupid things.
When I told you I had a headache from doing nothing
but reading for HOURS, you adamantly refused to turn
down the volume to that fucking baby bash song.


Constantly in my ear, harping away as if anything you have to say actually matters.
it never has. it never will.
You say the dumbest things and it makes me wonder how you haven't been hit by traffic.
Party girl, only stupid people can appreciate the things you say.
The rest of the world is indifferent to your thoughts, because... well frankly, they're worthless.
In all of your years of existence, you never stopped to understand. You realized from an early age that you exist, and that THAT is the only thing that should matter.

But reality exists around the bubble afforded by daddy's promise of a lexus.
Reality exists for people who understand that sometimes life is hard.
Your inability to work, marred by your shitty. fucking. attiude, your laziness regarding the thought process, your inability to learn ANYTHING... except how to party... these things make you a burden. a walking burden.

The density of thoughts running through your head is much like that of styrofoam. For the space you occupy, you should do better.

It will all collapse when you realize that the hands on the clock move, whether or not you do. That the sun does not rise because you want it to. That time has rotted you, both inside and out.
Maybe you will choke through the bitterness, in your old age, telling yourself that nothing is so, because you were a party girl.

study broke

I'm tired of reading about things I don't care about. I realized I retain information for a long time for things I'm interested in, such as the fact that the bear who voiced chewbacca in star wars died in the 90s or something. Or that the world's biggest diamond is floating in space (at 10 billion trillion trillion cts), not that i care much for diamonds or space exploration (whattup bryan), but that is just kinda COOoooool.

In 3 days my college experience will come to an end, as far as testing and projects and general academic BULLSHIT is concerned. The degree to which i'm thrilled is well... moderated by how tired and frustrated I am for even having to go through with all these projects. Within the next couple of days, aisde from a typical test with essay questions, I will be helping to present something like 100 pages in reports and maybe 80 slides worth of powerpoint presentations. does this come off as bitchy? do i sound like a wus?

fuck it.

I think i've out-stayed my welcome in the conservative south. I went to lunch after scott's baptism with some of his students, his pastor's family, and some of our mutual friends. I ended up in a discussion about evolutionism and creationism with the pastor, which pretty much sucked since I'm pretty sure that he'll now consider me one of scott's "bad influence" friends or something. The arguments he used to support his belief in creationism are the same that the church has been re-hashing for generations--gaps in the fossil record, the way everything is just a theory, and the general concession of evolution on a smaller scale. I wanted to go to town, but that wasn't the place nor the time.

I recently heard that agnostics are just atheists who are scared of death. I thought that was pretty accurate.

I said I'd give church a chance in LA, but not in the korean/asian-american context. The bitterness I have begun to harbor after I realized the extent to which I was endoctrin--brainwashed by the church has made it a difficult decision to even give church a second chance. or maybe God's giving me a second chance. but then we must also presuppose He exists in the manner He describes.

At the end of the day, I am terrified of being wrong.
that God DOES exist, and is who He says he is.
that there is a hell.
and that i have licked the stamp affixed to the envelope that will send me there.

I sat next to faith's cousin (think her name was Gina) at the university fashion show (BIG UPS ON THAT WIN, FAITH), and she had started our conversation by mentioning that she had seen me around church in houston. We discussed religion, and I didn't know how to respond to her optimism, her unwavering belief that indeed God will "bring me back to Him." with what confidence can she say such things? Even after 23 years of believing that I wouldn't fall as I have, I did. I tried to explain to her the science that serves as the basis of my agnosticism. I was kind of high at the time, so I don't think I communicated it as articulately as I could have. I'd like to take a brief moment to share the fact that even in my most inebriated of states, my verbal ninjitsu doesn't get any sloppier than the way most people speak sober.

I hate when they attribute my agnosticism to my age. Older people say that they all had this "phase." Assuming that this belief will at one point be terminated at some yet-to-be-determined moment in time. They assume that questioning and self-searching is simply a by-product of the college environment. I don't think it's fair to see things that way. The immediate assumption that my experience is the same as theirs is a bit immature. I know that the questions I'm asking have been asked by millions before me. I'm sure that my thoughts aren't all that original, considering the span of humanity's existence on earth. It's just that if I've learned ONE thing in the past 23 years, it's that I am different. I am markedly different from my peers. Not necessarily in any better way, but i am one eccentric asshole.

We'll see what happens in the summer. I'll stick to my word, for my mama's sake.

hello hello

I have digsby as my aim client and I run the facebook extension on firefox. When I run both, anything that happens on facebook to anyone I know immediately generates an alert for me. It's become unnecessary since I don't care about that many people, but I'm wondering if I should keep the firefox extension. It took me about 4 tries to spell "care" right just now. Digsby I'm gonna stick to for a while, since I like having all my email/chat/social shit on one program.


Now that my Shure E2C's are on their way out (2nd pair, RIP), I'm leaning towards the Etymotic Research ER6i's as a replacement. Honestly, as incredible as the shures sound, I'm very skeptical about the quality of their construction. I've had 2 sets fall apart, I have a friend whose e2cs stopped working in a similar manner, and teh intarnets pretty much says they're prone to falling apart.

I got lunch with the girl from the previous post today. I still felt kinda like a bitch. it was a confusing moment of bitchdom and fun.

Harold and Kumar 2 is coming out. I need to watch that. Before I can, I have to finish up this fucking avalanche of school work I have before me. Projects, Tests, Projects.. it's enough to drive a grown man crazy.

bitch bitch bitch

Today, I realized I'm sad because for months now, I wake up in the morning feeling like a bitch. Who's bitch? It depends. Often, I'm school's bitch. Tuesday, Thursday, and Fridays, I'm work's bitch. I'm a bitch to the relationship game. I've pretty much turned tricks in a back alley to the relationship game.

I've become withdrawn from this girl I liked. Because it dawned on me that she really had a boyfriend. I wasn't sure of this for a while, and he never came up. Not in late-night conversations, lounging at coffee shops, or studying for tests did he come up. Fb gave me no real clues. I had no real reason to believe he existed, until things started showing up here and there, affirming that he did.

And I sit in close proximity to her in class. I don't know what to say. I look at my laptop like an idiot. or a bitch. bitch bitch bitch (whattup, joe!). I am scared of making eye contact. I don't know how to start a conversation so I practically ignore her for most of the period. And in all my years of living, I've grown tired of one thing, which is my inability to express my affection verbally. Not that I would now, or anything. I would never step-in and be that guy. honestly, I'd want to fuck up a dude spending time with my girl like that. It's just that I think of her, and the girls I liked before her, and as unlikely as those relationships were to have succeeded, I never took that chance. I just couldn't. because i'm a bitch.

It sucks, thinking things were going so well. I'm sure I deserve this, in some odd and twisted way. conversation was engaging, she was reciprocating, I wanted to tell her everything and I wanted to hear her tell me everything. Which is pretty much the point I get to when I realize I like a girl. The part that sucks is, in my head, I'm thinking about how lucky some guy is for getting to know her more than I ever will, and how it's fucked up that I don't think he'll appreciate her for it as much as I would. Yes, I would be a better lover than anyone in the world. I know this because I hate so well.

But in reality, I'm just awkward now. Her sarcasm feels more biting, her friendship a degree less sincere. I don't know how to interpret this. That confusion is compounded by the way I don't mind getting my balls busted by my boys, but take it personally when it's from a girl I've been liking. Maybe that's because I don't make them the bruised end of what could be the most ferocious verbal uppercut in the history of sarcasm AND spoken language, and it's weird that somehow they want to check me.

check. me.
The only people I know that can check me never do, and they are few.
think it over. language is MY bitch.

movie madness

Since last wednesday, I have seeeen:
1. thomas crown affair
2. state property
3. boyz n the hood
4. the punisher (the old one with dolph lundgren from rocky 4)
5. clockers
6. kids
7. leaving las vegas
8. across the universe

and countless episodes of frasier in between

Disenchanted

Mindstyle - disenchanted

i jacked the beat from face, but i was feelin it too much to try making my own.

hoo-ey

maybe its because im in that final stretch of projects and meetings,
maybe its the senioritis
maybe its the implosion of many things i believe in

but all i really have is an overwhelming sense of apathy.

WHAT KIND OF FUCKERY IS THIS?!?!!

CLICK FOR FULL SIZE LULZ!

so i checked my xanga and saw a banner ad for asianave, which I assume is the unwanted bastard child of the original asian avenue and myspace. what ignorant-ass shit. I wasn't going to hate until I actually clicked the link and saw what can only amount to a whole lof of "fuckery".

asian people, can we do ourselves a favor and STOP SEARCHING FOR "street racing" and "bruce lee"? that web 2.0 shit that correlates text size to search entries is totally making us look retarded. Its about the same as all of us constantly searching for "SLANTY EYES" and "CALCULUS SKILLZZZ" and "YELLOW NAUTICA SPORT T-SHIRTS"

I got a kick out of killeen being a search term. CONGRATULATIONS KILLEEN, YOUR GLORIOUS COME-UPPANCE HAS NOW BEGUN! The "connect with members in" section (with the exception of Garland, whattup bryan) essentially reads as a Who's Who of "Hoods that don't matter"

The original artist on the home page when I logged in wasnt that ghastly-looking jenny, but rather a guy who ACTUALLY WENT BY "MINDS." needless to say, he wasn't rocking the name right, and his shit sounded about as whack as this:



Man, this is so disappointing. I think im going to squat outside of a tapioca shop and smoke a cigarette while staring hard at anyone passing by through my gelled and dyed bangs.

STFU

As I walked by the Union towards my class at Welch, I saw a bunch of students crowding around a guy. The first thing I noticed were the Atheist Longhorns holding signs that said "hellfire: sounds uncomfortable" and "Athiests: we're quieter". In the center was the guy, sitting on a stool, Bible next to the stool. I put my headphones down for a second.

The first thing I heard the guy talk about was that he hated Islam. Then he quoted a bunch of scripture to "support" his opinions. It was as if the word "arbitrary" never entered his vocabulary. He said that he loved people, but he hated ideas. He said he hated atheism and islam. I just wanted to tell him to

SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP.

People would ask him questions, and he would give some almost-reasonable replies. One of them being "how can i enjoy heaven if my best friends are in hell," to which he replied using the story of his wedding, in which his father was absentee. He said I could choose to think about my dad, but all I thought of was my bride.
Look. I rap, i make use of similes and metaphors probably more frequently than most of the people my age. I appreciate that sort of thing. But here you are, mr. reverend, lording over the populace a concept of the afterlife and the only way you can communicate this concept is through a simile. You have no proof, but you incubate fear. And it is at that point, i feel that you are unqualified to hold a discourse with the rest of the unbelieving world. You speak of hate as if your exercising of it is somehow righteous and proper. You don't consider how fucked up the world is because someone hated after "God" told them to.

Then he tried to explain that if you truly loved your friend, you would want them to be saved. he said in 7th grade he told his friend to not smoke pot because he loved him. This is exactly my problem with Christianity. I have found, from experience and my own hypocrisy, that Christians love to talk about what other people should not do when they have no genuine understanding of what they are telling people to abstain or from. I don't need a meth addict to tell me not to try meth. But weed? cmon now. Then again, anyone lumping weed into the same category of drugs as meth is also stupid.

After he started his story, some people yelled out "WHATS WRONG WITH WEED?" because potheads are excellent at alliteration.


I'm just tired of Christians who are loud and pride themselves on the institutionalized hatred they were taught to embrace. At the end of the day, what have you remedied? What has changed?

Maybe i'm just hating extra hard because I'm having a tough week, but I always get a little pissed when school is used as a forum to insult that which, intellectually speaking, cant fucking be proved wrong or right.