bitch bitch bitch

Today, I realized I'm sad because for months now, I wake up in the morning feeling like a bitch. Who's bitch? It depends. Often, I'm school's bitch. Tuesday, Thursday, and Fridays, I'm work's bitch. I'm a bitch to the relationship game. I've pretty much turned tricks in a back alley to the relationship game.

I've become withdrawn from this girl I liked. Because it dawned on me that she really had a boyfriend. I wasn't sure of this for a while, and he never came up. Not in late-night conversations, lounging at coffee shops, or studying for tests did he come up. Fb gave me no real clues. I had no real reason to believe he existed, until things started showing up here and there, affirming that he did.

And I sit in close proximity to her in class. I don't know what to say. I look at my laptop like an idiot. or a bitch. bitch bitch bitch (whattup, joe!). I am scared of making eye contact. I don't know how to start a conversation so I practically ignore her for most of the period. And in all my years of living, I've grown tired of one thing, which is my inability to express my affection verbally. Not that I would now, or anything. I would never step-in and be that guy. honestly, I'd want to fuck up a dude spending time with my girl like that. It's just that I think of her, and the girls I liked before her, and as unlikely as those relationships were to have succeeded, I never took that chance. I just couldn't. because i'm a bitch.

It sucks, thinking things were going so well. I'm sure I deserve this, in some odd and twisted way. conversation was engaging, she was reciprocating, I wanted to tell her everything and I wanted to hear her tell me everything. Which is pretty much the point I get to when I realize I like a girl. The part that sucks is, in my head, I'm thinking about how lucky some guy is for getting to know her more than I ever will, and how it's fucked up that I don't think he'll appreciate her for it as much as I would. Yes, I would be a better lover than anyone in the world. I know this because I hate so well.

But in reality, I'm just awkward now. Her sarcasm feels more biting, her friendship a degree less sincere. I don't know how to interpret this. That confusion is compounded by the way I don't mind getting my balls busted by my boys, but take it personally when it's from a girl I've been liking. Maybe that's because I don't make them the bruised end of what could be the most ferocious verbal uppercut in the history of sarcasm AND spoken language, and it's weird that somehow they want to check me.

check. me.
The only people I know that can check me never do, and they are few.
think it over. language is MY bitch.